Belonging Vs. Fitting in

I think that we all have an experience of not belonging to something. Whether this was a foundational aspect of our upbringing and experience, or simply a hurtful inconvenience, we know what it's like to be left out. This can have terrible consequences fro the rest of our lives because, as we all innately seem to know, belonging is an important part of the human experience.

This desire to belong can be so powerful that we end up trapped in the common mistake of trying to fit in. Fitting in and belonging, for the sake of this argument, are two completely different things. Belonging happens when we bring our honest selves, our contributions are appreciated, we appreciate the contributions of others, and there is a communal sense of goal.

Fitting in asks us to change who we are, and instead of focusing on the communal, is constantly worried about the self. Fitting in seeks attention for ourselves in some way that feels like we belong. But belonging doesn't happen by building up the individual, it can only happen in the building up of the group. 'Belong' by it's very meaning necessitates the communal. It is only in the modern western world where it seems acceptable to think of 'belonging' as something to be used for personal gain. And when we see a naturally mutual, communal idea being used in an individualistic even selfish way it's no wonder we have so many people who don't feel like they belong.

The issue is that we've replaced belonging with fitting in. We ask a group of people to think, act, and prioritize the way we do. We gather these like minded people together and we decide that we're all going to do these proper kinds of things. This is what fitting in looks like. Everyone changes or hides certain things about themselves in order to 'belong,' but they only end up living a dishonest version of themselves.

This happens to Biblical heroes as well. look at Galatians 2:11-13

When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray.

There is a lot that's happening here, and a lot of debate about what exactly is going on, (defining certain groups/controversies). But what I think is plain to see is that Peter (Cephas) was led astray by the simple desire to fit in with this group from Jerusalem. Maybe they were a dynamic group of people. Maybe Peter just felt comfortable with 'his own' people after being with gentiles for so long. maybe they ridiculed Peter enough in order to manipulate him into what they wanted. Whatever the case what we know for sure is that Peters desire to fit in with this group from Jerusalem led to Peter and others forcing gentile Christians to change their eating habits, and even become circumcised. 

There is nothing that describes the powerful, and destructive, desire to fit in better than the reality of grown men cutting off their foreskins because they think that will help them belong. That's the destructive power of fitting in. Belonging, on the other hand, takes people as they are. Later on in Galatians Paul says. (Galatians 3:26-29)

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed,and heirs according to the promise.

Paul brings us from a place where you needed to fit in by changing who you were to a place where he breaks down all barriers. You'll notice the barriers of race, class, and gender. Paul says, "Nope, in Christ you belong. You belong totally. You're made God's child and heir."

So when we see the life giving, fantastic ways of belonging and contrast it to the destructive nature of 'fitting in' for ourselves and the others we subconsciously demand it of, there's an important question...

... Are you asking people to fit in, or are you asking them to belong?

When we reflect we can see how powerful this is. Are we asking people to be honest with who they are, letting them know that they don't have to change before we'll accept them? Or are we demanding that they hide their true struggles and desires from us so that we don't have to deal with them, and call that community?

Hopefully these questions will help us work this out.

1. Do you have a place to belong right now? What does it look like?
2. Describe a time in your life when you felt like you didn't fit in? What were the demands?
3. Why are we more interested in hiding ourselves in order to fit in, rather than presenting ourselves honestly in order to belong?
4. How are we asking for people to fit in rather than asking them to belong?