Losing our patience.

When I think about the term 'losing my patience,' what I quickly realize is that this is just a nice way of sugar coating what's actually happening to me in that moment. I'm getting angry. And none of us like to think about the way that we get angry, possibly many times before lunch, so we try to nice it up with a better sounding word like 'patience.' It makes is sound like we're patient most of the time, but only occasionally lose it, so we're not so bad.

But I would argue that this misses the point of patience altogether. I don't think that being patient means that we will never, feel or even express, anger. Instead, I think that patience is the spiritual practice of reacting to anger in a way that righteous, patience, rather than reacting in a way which is unrighteous (impatience).

Anger is something we feel, it is often uncontrollable. We have some control over how we react to anger, but almost never any control over whether we feel anger in the first place. So patience needs to a be something which helps us to react to anger in a way which brings something positive, like personal growth, reconciliation, or even countering an injustice. Because this is what a positive reaction to anger can look like. It can lead to repairing and dealing with things that are wrong in our lives and in the world.

Think about anger like a smoke alarm. If you're anything like me you've woke up to a smoke alarm in the middle of the night and immediately proceeded to rip the batteries out without even the most cursory inspection of your house. After that you go to sleep. This is how we usually deal with anger. Anger is the smoke alarm that's telling us that there's something wrong. The alarm doesn't know what's wrong or how to fix it, but it gives you warning that something is afoot. What we do is turn off the anger (remove the batteries) without dealing with the potentially serious issues it's warning us about.

Proverbs 19:19 says " A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again." I think that a quick interpretation of this make it clear. You need to deal with the problem. If you don't deal with the root of the problem then you're going to have to keep 'saving them' over and over again. It's like taking the batteries out of the smoke alarm over and over again while the house burns down around you.

So if we treat anger like the smoke alarm for our lives, what we see is that it is starting to warn us about things which are wrong, unjust, unfair, or even dangerous. If we can decide on a process to go through when we recognize anger, then we can begin a lifestyle of the kind of 'patience' that responds to anger by dealing with the issues, and looking for a righteous outcome. The process I've discovered is like this.

1) Recognize that you're angry:

How do you act when you're angry? There's actually many different ways that people do this. Some people will close down and say nothing. Some people can't help but yell and scream. Some react with anger by trying to get revenge through subtle, even exploitative means. How do you act when you get angry?

2) Reflect on the cause and feelings:

Why are you feeling this way? Did someone receive something you earned or deserve. Did your expectations around something prove to be way off from the reality? Has your worth or dignity been threatened somehow? These are all important questions to reflect on. Understanding the root of your anger based on your own experiences and life will have meaningful consequences. Furthermore you may find, upon reflection, a certain level of your own fault in the situation. This will help you to humanize, and lovingly confront the people you need to confront in the next step.

3) Decide on an action to take:

What are you going to do about it? As stated above, you are probably going to have to confront someone about your anger. It may feel difficult to be honest and confront someone, but it is the best way. People often say that 'anger feels good' but I think this is wrong. I think that anger simply feels better than dealing with the actual problem. But all this results in is holding onto the anger far longer than is necessary or healthy.

Maybe you need to write a letter. maybe you simply need to talk to someone face to face (this is the best way). But whatever you do, I think it's important to remember Jesus words who said to "pray, bless, and give to those who curse, steal from, or harm you." (paraphrase). Our actions we take should still be guided by Jesus teaching of love for others that guides all things, without being manipulative or backhanded in the way we bless.

Discussion questions: (Everyone take time to answer in turn)
1) Do you recognize your own anger? How do you act when you get angry?
2) What kind of anger do you have the hardest time dealing with?
3) What is a more common root of anger for you? Jealousy (others getting what I deserve) Insecuruty (an attack on my worth) or unmet expectations (Things not going my way)?
4) How do you tell the difference between these things?
5) Give an example of when you've positively reacted to anger. How did you get there?