At our group's Gather on Sunday night, I shared about the bath time ordeal that I had with my daughter Karis earlier that night. I thought I'd share it here too since it's led me to some thoughts that I'm still mulling through.
Karis needed her hair washed during her bath on Sunday night. No big deal, right? Wrong. Biggest deal ever, apparently. As I lathered up her hair, she started screaming, "No bubbles! No! Daddyyyyyy!! NO!!" (She calls for Daddy when she's upset with me.) It was the end of an incredibly busy, incredibly tiring weekend, and I didn't have a lot of patience. I called up Devon, and he was able to finish lathering up her hair. He left, and, thinking the worst was over, I started to rinse out her hair with a cup. She scrambled to get out of the way, started to scream again, and these big, genuine tears formed in her eyes. The whole time I was saying to her, "Karis, it's alright. I just need to rinse out your hair. It's not gonna hurt, baby!" but I couldn't calm her down. She just kept scrambling and screaming bloody murder. My own frustration levels were mounting, and I just DIDN'T UNDERSTAND what the problem was. Why was this a big deal? Why wouldn't she just calm down? I could feel that I was about to lose my cool (not sure if there was much there to begin with, to be honest), so I called out to God with one of those quick "Help, please!" sort of prayers. Thankfully, at that moment Devon came back up and dealt with Karis so that I could get away and let myself cry. To me, that was an answer to prayer, because I could feel that my patience had reached its limit.
Later at our gathering, we sang the Hillsong song "Forever Reign", and the opening lyrics hit me hard: "You are good, You are good, when there's nothing good in me." In that moment with my daughter, I really felt like there was nothing good in me. I was about to lose it on my precious girl, but God provided a way out. He was good for me, and I didn't need to regret my own behaviour in the ordeal.
While I was sharing this with the group, something else about the exchange with Karis struck me. I wonder how God feels when He's trying to do things to help his children, and we fight Him and fight Him. Does He ever think, "I'm just trying to wash the soap out of your hair. This is good for you. Stop fighting, child. I only want what's best for you."?
Another set of lyrics from "Forever Reign" feels applicable to me right now:
You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go